The feeling of being overwhelmed is fortunately no longer my daily companion. But it was. Now when I look back, I can see that I was overwhelmed for a long time. Maybe for many years. I often felt overwhelmed, in despair, mentally drained, inadequate, guilty, and I never felt good enough.
Not good enough as a wife, not good enough as a housewife, not good enough as a mother, not good enough as a leader, and not much of a friend either.
In the worst periods, I could find myself standing in the middle of the living room floor in the evenings after putting the kids to bed, and just felt like I didn’t know where to start. Sitting down to rest was not an option. I felt guilty just for existing. I was so tired. But there was so much I should have done!
It’s hard to put into words how I came to that place. A place where the slightest resistance could throw me completely off, and cause me to burst out in tears. I had to go hide in the bathroom, and get my s***t together som that the kids wouldn’t notice I had been crying when I came back out.
Generally speaking I believe today that I gave away all my rescourses. And I gave nothing to myself. And I was so afraid to set boundaries.
We all do it. Some more than others. And in some periods of your life maybe you are forced to give more than you have, such as when someone close to you becomes seriously ill, or the job requires an extra effort.
We can all deal with a lot of things. Humans are a robust and adaptable species.
But the danger is when we pour out all the resources we have and do not replenish. All the “shoulds” made me really sick. Do you ever question any of your “shoulds”?? Are they all equally important?
There is an English expression that goes like this: “Oh no… I should all over myself”.
I think it’s such a funny expression!
Stop “shoulding” all over yourself.
The chronic stresslevels that goes hand in hand with the feeling of being overwhelmed and fragile is bad news for your health.
Over time, it will make you sick, maybe even burnt out. Yes, you can be burnt out because of work, but I also believe that you can be burned out by life itself work as well. In the end, it is the sum of everything that makes the drop fill the glass.
You feel overwhelmed. What can you do?
Let’s take a look at what resilient people do. The people who navigate their lives in a steady way no matter what’s thrown at them. Resilient people struggle like the rest of us, but they still function well. In 2003, Hara Estroff Marano wrote an article for “Psychology Today” called “The Art of Resilience”.
“At the heart of resilience is a belief in oneself—yet also a belief in something larger than oneself.Resilient people do not let adversity define them. They find resilience by moving towards a goal beyond themselves, transcending pain and grief by perceiving bad times as a temporary state of affairs… It’s possible to strengthen your inner self and your belief in yourself, to define yourself as capable and competent. It’s possible to fortify your psyche. It’s possible to develop a sense of mastery.”
So what are the characteristics of resilient people? They seem to have some common features:
1) They are self-aware
Resilient people know who they are and what they are good at. They know what they can get better at, and what they need or do not need in their lives. They are realistic and see the world as it really is.
2) They have healthy boundaries
Resilient people do not have problems saying no, and are not afraid to set boundaries if they feel they need it. Healthy boundaries prevent other people from abusing them or trying to exploit them.
3) They are not afraid to ask for help.
Since resilient people know themselves well and know their strengths and weaknesses, they are not afraid to show vulnerability and ask for help. Resilient people know that it is not a sign of strength to do everything alone. Everyone needs help sometimes.
4) They surround themselves with other resilient people
Resilient people are usually not lone wolves, but they have a “tribe” of people they trust and who also have similar characteristics. People who have their backs when the going gets rough.
5) They do not have to have all the answers and are not afraid of making mistakes.
Resilient people know their limitations and do not need to have all the answers to feel good. Resilient people have no problem admitting that they made a mistake, correcting the mistake and moving on.
6) They take responsibility for themselves.
Resilient people do not blame others for their problems. They take personal responsibility for their lives, and deal with the problems when they arise, but do not wallow in “victimhood”.
7) They use humor, even when life is difficult.
Resilient people know that laughing always helps! Although life is awful some times, resilient people are still able to laugh at themselves and the situations they find themselves in. Dark humor is often the best medicine to get through tough situations.
8) They practice self-care
Resilient people make sure they “fill the tank”. They regularly practice self-care, and do not feel guilty about prioritizing activities that are good for them. Be it exercise, meditation, social life, time alone in nature, etc. This is something resilient people do consciously, because they know that self-care is essential for them to be the best version of themselves.
9) They see opportunities.
Resilient people are flexible, and even when things are difficult or do not go as planned, they are able to see new opportunities. Resilient people also find learning from difficult events. They know that sometimes you have to endure pain, but also that you come out of it strengthened.
10) They have a vision
Resilient people have a plan for their lives. They know what they are working towards and what their long-term goals are. Resilient people never lose sight of the vision. It may change over time, but they always know what they are working towards.
Ask yourself an honest question: If you practiced all these qualities…
How do you think you would feel?
I know for myself that I did not have many of these qualities in place. Especially No. 2 and No. 8 were seriously lacking in my life! I did not practice any form of boundaries or self-care at all. I mostly said YES when I was asked, and my idea of self-care was to drink a little too much wine on the couch when the kids were in bed, and watch TV-series. I didn’t see many possibilities either, instad I felt completely stuck. And I certainly didn’t have any vision or long-term goals! I didn’t even know what I wanted to do next weekend. The future was something that was probably just going to happen to me.
Fortunately, becoming more resilient is something I have learnt, and something we can all learn! If we really want to change things, then we can do it. Theese are skills that can be developed.
You can implement “Project Resiliense” for yourself, or we can do it together.
As your health coach, I’ll help you take a closer look at why you are feeling so overwhelmed. Where is all your energy and focus going? What boundaries and measures you need to take to start feeling better?
Are you ready to make some changes?
Contact me and let’s set up free and no-obligation call.